I spent all my time waiting for Victoria to grow up, waiting for the day my husband decides that he may one day get a new place, change a new car or something that excites my life a little. Go on holidays more, bring me on his business trips ....Of course days like this didn't come.. or rather it didn't come as fast as I hoped.
I stayed at home most of the time and the internet became my new found best friend... I made my close knit friends in the forum and found solace in writing my blog... The blog became a outlet for me to write down my thoughts, frustrations, happiness for me, I found like minded mummies here too. After V started to grow up, from flipping to crawling to eating solids to talking to walking.. That sense of achievement of parenting started to grow dimmer by the day. There was really nothing to look forward to except wait for the day for her to start dating I think! hahah, I can obviously do the next thing that is to have another child... do the same thing over and over again.
Nothing changed much, during my "ME" time, I did the same stuffs, go for High Tea, shopping, read my books, basically spend money, just swiping the credit card....but sadly it no longer made me happy. The husband told me if that is what I want to do this same thing after completing my mission of bearing him all the children? I told him I don't know what else to do.... I remembered I cut my 21st birthday cake in Seoul 11 years ago.... my wish was to be the best mother I can be. By the age of 30, I travelled around the world many rounds, got my degree, got my driving license (come on I went to do boat license too!), got promoted, got married to a wonderful man and have myself a great family. I had the craziest hobby, boating, collected expensive watches, bags collection, wine appreciation; almost going for my sommelier course if not for the fact I got preggers.
I know you all are reading this and is thinking.. BITCH she doesn't know what she is missing.... but I'm telling you, its because I had it all, it no longer meant anything. I don't even bother wearing my watches, hardly carry the bags, I wear clothes that cost me less than $100, happy with shoes that are $39.90... I told the husband ... tell me what to do, what can I do?
I felt lost... I had more to me than this ... I told the husband, maybe I should do my MBA, since my dean had offered me a sponsorship of 1/2 of the cost of MBA. But he asked me what I want to achieve by studying more? Then I said I wanted another child, he said "No" for until I can find myself out of this rut, made it clear that its a vicious cycle. It was then I told him I want to go on holidays cause I missed outstations, so he made plans to fly me away on whatever opportunities his work allows. I came back still not happy.... I told it was because we did it with V, so we did a holiday ourselves.. and I still didn't enjoy. It was then I knew it was not about the travelling, it was just me.
I knew whatever I have to do, I have to do it quick. To divert my attention from becoming down, down, down. So there it was... right in front of me. I remembered I was very sour about Singapore's concept of parenting help, how they don't have flexible hours for mothers. The measly 4 months of "bonding", making the mother jittery if they do intend to extend it for fear of losing their jobs, how the have to answer to the superiors when a pregnancy is supposedly "good news". I remembered googling alot on the jobs meant for mothers, best companies to work in and flexible job hours etc. Never did I knew that Mary Kay is the top 100 companies to work in and the top 10 dream company for Mothers! I swear when I heard this statement while I was in class, I came back to tell the husband... I may have found the career that I want.
part II continues........
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