Grieve or joy?

all I did was to write an encouraging note to a fellow blogger and I went back to see the comments;  had heaps of mummies sending me regards too. 

K this happened in April or May, we tested positive and in least than 2 weeks we lost the foetus. If all things went right, the child should be a 31 Dec or 1st Jan... but God has his plans and reminded us that a unhealthy one isn't worth keeping. Within 2 weeks we lost it, I saw blood one faithful day and knew it wasn't just implantation, that this child was not meant to be ours. It was a regular day running my errands and for goddamn 32 years of wearing heels , I tripped and fell forward (not drama type). With that action I knew it was his way of jolting the foetus out the less traumatic way.

I called Dr Han and they sent me in immediately, at that time I went to the toilet many times. I even flushed the clot down his toilet. When I went inside, had our usual chit chats and told him I was bleeding and even just flushed it down. He behaved real normal and inserted the vaginal scope in, with me bleeding heaps. Told me in his style that he cannot find a sag, and in that clinic for 15 mins never once used the word miscarriage. I guess to him it wasn't even a pregnancy as it was not implanted or growing well. We joked as usual ..he was going on about my Bloom shoots and how its still his favourite *bless him. We laughed and cracked jokes... the nurses were all alarmed I was so relax. I just told them "I'm Dr Han's patient for the last 4 years, I know I'm in safe hands"

He sent me to do a blood test, calculated and told us when we should try; which is 2 cycles from then which is July/August. (went back 3 days later in KKH A& E to do again and it was a negative- something about if the placenta is still stuck we have to do something and thank god it was flushed away)

If you ask me if we grieved. Yes we did for the shortest time, from the time I bled till mid day. By the time I reached the clinic I have come to accept the fact that an unhealthy foetus is not worth our effort to fight or pray for it. Call me hard hearted, call me an optimist, call me anything... I am a parent clear of the consequences. We prayed for the blessing that God gave and we know he has his plans. Maybe time is not right at this moment to have one more, the best part is that I know my body is clearing out the rubbish accumulated by clearing it away. Which is where as I see it a great job by my body :) Every thing happens to me for a reason, I became stronger, set my goals higher, increased my already high empathy for people, understanding for parents. With this I became even better at what I did; DD T became greater in his career.

We did try for our 2nd, ermm for that one month. This month was like I hardly saw him hahaha. If his plans are just giving us Victoria, we will make sure that she receives happiness everyday of her life. In life, you ask for love it comes from family, great friends, fantastic people we meet everyday. I am already really happy for that gift... the one that created such impact to our family. I will park the trying part at the back of my mind for we have set our goals for each other; so family planning may not be our priority as of now. I'm game for IVF, anything works for us if we are too old for it. One shot get triplets .. best-est. so much easier hahhaha.

By the way, it was V that came up to me pulled my shirt up, pointed to my tummy and told me baby. But interestingly she never once mention it once it was gone. ESP from children.. yes I'm sure!

Dated: 26 April 2011

My period was late I did very much wanted to get the kit but was thinking ... just wait awhile more... but yesterday, I just had to check it out. I guess for the peace of mind.

Walked to Guardian, picked up the kit that was on offer. I remembered my gyane told me it doesn't better what brand, as long its a HCG kit. So I picked up the cheapest and it was 1 for 1 offer hahahahahah. Like it was only $7.95 for 4 pee sticks compared to a clearblue at $20+. I guess I got "wiser".

Went to the toilet and pee on it, like how difficult right, then realized I shouldn't pee on the window. Okie so much for being the "expert", so I threw away $1.96. Seriously. Decided that I wasn't preggers since I can't do anything right. hahahah went for dinner with my girlies and came home. Decided that I should do one more time so I can sleep better.

Pee-ed,  only 1 line appeared. Showered and came out and it was 2 lines. Like Omg.... confused. Went to my iphone to check my last period, googled, and we are due for a Rabbit, Dec baby! Edd 31 dec 2011. So I got my wish of a rabbit! Although it came a month late as we wanted the same sign as DD T, but nevertheless it came! Although apps and calculator may fail and I may end up a 2012 baby. *oh well

and then you wonder.... what peace of mind?